Author's Notes: This story is not set during the regular timeline of X, or in the present-day world. But nor is it necessarily AU, depending on how CLAMP chooses to end the manga- if they ever do- and takes into account all the canon that has been established towards the Promised Day so far. Reading the first three chapters and the sidestory is highly recommended.

As you may or may not know, the plan for this chapter was that C was going to start co-writing Anarchy with me fully from this point on. I've told her the entire plot, right up until the end. But this wasn't possible- C is very sick right now, and I hope and pray that she gets better soon. She still helps me immensely with this story: she edits, betas, and submits paragraphs of her own writing when I'm hopelessly stuck (especially when it comes my favourite pretty onmyouji). She is the inspiration for the Subaru in this fic. I hope C's health improves, not just because co-writing would make this fic come out much faster (I work full time and attend university), but also because I love her and know that she'll be much happier that way. She's still the best help I could ever have asked for on this fic, and besides, she knows as well as I do that relationships never end up the way they were intended...





Anarchy

By Ari



Chapter 4: The Normal Daily Life



Neither of them had moved.

He stared down at the man on the floor for an eternity- watching the mark on his cheekbone darken and swell with a wide-eyed curiosity, as the realization that he had been the one to cause it slowly took hold. He’d already forgotten why he had done it- so many ages ago now.

The other man raised his head and met his gaze for the first time. “Kamui?” His tone was neutral, his look full of sadness and guilt- but that was nothing new. Now there was confusion and betrayal.

Perhaps he’d intended to reach out to him, but in his present state that kind of balance of movement proved impossible, and he staggered, then collapsed to his knees. “Oh god.” His lover’s voice had broken his lengthy reverie, and the anguish that followed was enough to drive him to tears- sobbing broken apologies, horrified and disgusted and afraid of what he’d done.

In the morning he was so full of remorse, full of promises, he forgot to ask himself why.


It was not that he’d gone a long time without hearing that those words. It was that he’d never heard them. When he said them he was always met with silence, and now, a kind of dispassionate accusation. He would ask him why, but he could never coax him into speaking about such things. So he invented his own answers.

All of his childish optimism had died years ago, and with it his hope.

You don’t love me. You’ll never love me. You wish I had let you die, so you could be with Him. He who lied to you, he who betrayed you and took everything from you.

But because I’m not flawless, you scorn me. I’ve tried for so many years to make you happy- I’ve dedicated everything to you- but staying alive is your pittance, your great sacrifice to me.

The desperate belief that these things were not true was all he had left. Desperation always made men dangerous. It meant there were times when he risked sharing all of these fears with him. It meant there were times when he was pointedly ignored as the other lit a cigarette in silence and looked away. Which meant there were times when he would lash out- even if it accomplished nothing else, perhaps it would get the other’s attention.

The other would just leave. Go and stand on the balcony and smoke, or simply not return from work for days.

He would curl up and drink and cry himself to sleep at the hopelessness of the situation, but it changed nothing.

Maybe the other man would come and comfort him, maybe he wouldn’t. It was hollow, but it was all he had.


“SUBARU!!!”

The door shuddered upon the first impact, a small crack forming where his shoulder connected with the plywood and fiberglass. He barely noticed the damage or the pain that shot down his arm- too many visions of what might lie inside his apartment overwhelmed his senses. He could be dead right now. Dead, and then he would be alone…

No. Not this. The tiniest spark of caution had worked its way through the blind panic he felt and kept him from using his powers to blast the door open for fear of the harm to anyone directly behind it. Not now.

Oh please, oh please, no. There was still no answer from inside. Kamui held back the tears that threatened to work their way up into his throat and braced himself for another try. He tried to think of which side would be the best to hit, but scattered images of physics classes spent dwelling on much more important things were the best his mind could offer. The rest of it was blank.

He backed up a few steps and tried it again. Not when I’m this close…

A piece of the frame broke off in a puff of dust and crumbled wood, and the door gave way at last. Kamui stumbled after it carried by his momentum, and barely caught his balance before hitting the overturned table near the entryway. His feet slid on broken glass.

Kamui paled visibly at the sight of the damage to the apartment, his expression turning to horror at the blood splattered across the walls and the floor. He couldn’t believe this was happening. A sudden rush of guilt and grief worked its way through the shock, and he slumped forward, head in his hands. Why-

“…Kamui?”

His lover leaned in the doorway to the bathroom, a tired and only mildly startled look on his face. He had taken off his shirt, but there were long smear of blood on his pants and a few drops in his hair that he had missed.

A faint sadness haunted the corners of his eyes, his small mouth pulled into a slight frown. “Kamui?” He asked softly. “Are you alright?”

Kamui could not hold back a wave of relief at the sight. Impulsively, he crossed the distance of the room in a few quick steps and pulled the older man into a tight embrace. “Oh god, Subaru- you’re safe.” He buried his face into a narrow shoulder. “This was my fault… it won’t happen again.”

Subaru responded only by touching his back lightly. As always, his hands were cold. His skin was still wet from washing away the blood, and he was already shivering.

“You’re freezing.” Kamui worried. But still alive. Still safe- still here with me. “Shouldn’t you get changed into something warmer?”

Subaru nodded mutely and released him. As Kamui watched him slip into the bedroom, he noticed the newly cleaned sections of the hall there- Subaru must have washed it before attending to himself.

Kamui leaned in the doorway and waited, gradually calming while Subaru pulled on an old black shirt with long sleeves. Maybe it had been a little foolish to worry about the Sakurazukamori. There was no way they could have sent anyone that would have truly been a danger to him- the only person he could even think of was himself- but… But even so, it would have been a fine excuse for- Kamui shook his head rapidly. No. He’s fine. He killed them. He’s here. He wanted to ask what had happened, how many there were, and what they said, but all of those things would lead to questions he didn’t want to answer. If he said nothing, he knew Subaru would leave them unasked.

Even now, the air surrounding the other man was quiet. With the slow, deliberate movements of one obviously near exhaustion he dressed himself in fresh clothing, and then began to rifle through the garments neatly discarded in a pile on his chair. After a moment he put them down, his search seemingly fruitless, and with a silent intake of breath began to walk back into the living room.

Kamui stepped forward and caught him by the waist. He laid his head against the other man's chest, at a loss for what to say, unwilling to mention what must have occurred. It was worth it, he told himself- more than worth it. There was only so much time left...

"Ne, have you had anything to eat today?"

"Yes." The response was automatic, an answer to a question he probably hadn't even fully heard.

As always, when he stood close like this Kamui could feel the life signs of the other man, and they seemed always too weak. His heart too fast- the normal rhythm shaking his body ever so slightly with the effort of continuing to beat, his breathing too shallow, skin too cold... like the simple act of being alive was almost too much for him.

And as always, the onmyouji had never been a particularly good liar. To Kamui, who’d lived with him for over a decade now, it wasn’t even a matter of reading the traces of guilt in his eyes or listening to the change in the pitch of his voice- it was the way he braced himself before it, as he always did before killing or any other act he wished he was not forced to perform. But to Kamui’s mind, no one had forced him to kill or to lie, either. He was just saying what would he thought Kamui wanted to hear- or anything else anyone asked of him. Always the victim.

“You’ll get sick again if you don’t.” He offered. He didn’t think Subaru would take it- this was too perfect for him. He didn’t have to choose, he didn’t have to act, and it wasn’t entirely his fault. “It was freezing out there tonight- I think it’s going to snow again soon.” Kamui had just better be prepared for another few months of sleepless nights- of watching the an he loved shake violently, and struggle to breathe- tending to him every moment, drifting off to the sound of his coughing, dreams wracked by the fear that when he awoke, it would have stopped.

And then he would be alone.

“Have you had anything to eat today?” He asked again, this time through gritted teeth.

Subaru did not respond this time- only a faint recognition that Kamui had caught him lying, a little touch of pain in his sorrowful expression- and, sensing Kamui’s mood, he began to pull away without a word.

Why would he bother, after all? This was his perfect resolution. He hadn’t, and he wouldn’t- so he could die, so he could leave, and be-

Kamui grabbed Subaru’s arm before he left and wrenched him back around.

-with Him-

“Don’t lie to me.” His voice raised dangerously in volume.

He could feel the forced resilience start to dissipate as soon as his hand wrapped around his arm. The older man's body wavered in front of him, nearly jerked off balance, the intensity of his exhaustion suddenly made clear- and enough to send Kamui reeling into a swirl of panicked emotion. He was wasting away without even... he was trying to die, and he was doing it right in front of him- not even caring that Kamui could see it all.

"Kamui." His voice was still soft, carried out with a breath that seemed labored and shallow. He closed his eyes slowly, standing limply where he stopped, not looking at the smaller man for several more. Then finally he did open his eyes- their expression full of repressed feeling, purposefully dull and flat and unprovocative. Just a steady look laced with pressed-on honesty - meant to detract from Kamui’s reaction, he knew - in a gaze that didn't waver, but never lost the edge of pain trapped eternally behind them.

"I'm tired."


It took only a glimpse of the genuine hurt behind those purposefully distant eyes to quell the anger he felt at the deception, and all his bitter words died on his tongue. He relaxed the hands that had reflexively curled into fists- biting back the shame of the knowledge that his defense was warranted.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, and stepped forward to embrace him once again. He closed his eyes so that he wouldn’t see him flinch away. “Of course you are.”

The anger that had fled so suddenly left a void - a hollow feeling in his chest as he pressed his face against Subaru’s - that was rapidly filled by sorrow and regret. “I shouldn’t have… I mean…”

He felt helpless again, powerless - desperately wanting to change what he could, or at least had not - like the dull expression on his lover’s face. “I mean… just a little while longer. Just a little.” He deserved the look of hopeless doubt that remark garnered. “I’m going to give you something.” Kamui had told him this before, but he wanted him to remember it now. “I’m going to keep my promise.”

“If I don’t, then, well… then I don’t care anymore. We can both just…” He caught a hint of life in the frozen green depths at the offer. “Just a little longer.”

He felt the same as he always had; only the embrace was somewhat easier this time. He could stay like this, but… he felt the other man start to tremble in his arms, the strain of standing so long becoming too much to bear. “Come on.” He pulled away slowly. “I’ll make something for us. I haven’t eaten since I went out, either.”

Kamui guided him gently to the table and righted one of the chairs so he could sit. Subaru laid his head down on it as he left, rested against his arms.

Kamui was glad the kitchen hadn’t been damaged. There was just a little blood on the stove and it was as good as new- well, as good as it had ever been. The previous occupants had done their share of damage to it- cutting on the countertops, taking pots off the element before they really should have- which left the hard plastic of the counters warped and scarred. Then Kamui had done his share of the same, which left the whole thing looking… well-used, at least in his mind.

Well, it wasn’t as if they ever had guests.

Subaru rarely ventured in here- maybe to get a drink from the fridge from time to time- so everything was much as Kamui had left it: things with easy to reach handles in the upper cupboards, heavier things below. Subaru had once told him that it was cute when he’d have to climb on the counter, or ask the taller man to fetch things in their old apartment, but for a man his age ‘cute’ wasn’t the word Kamui would choose.

He pulled out a bit of rice and an instant flavor packet- he could fry it or boil it with vegetables and it would make a decent enough meal. It wasn’t that he couldn’t cook, his mother had taught him as a child and he’d routinely made meals for himself and Subaru when he was younger, it was just that he rarely felt up to it these days. As a result, and because of his situation with money, which wasn’t pleasant to dwell on - he could, thank you Miyazaki-san, go shopping soon - the fridge was stocked with less than inspiring food choices.

A few minutes later he set two steaming plates of rice down on the table, and two cups for tea. He kissed the other man’s hair- soft against his lips with the scent of blood and cigarettes. “It’s ready.”

Subaru stirred, rubbed his eyes, and managed a faint smile at their supper. Or whatever one called a meal at this hour. Kamui sat down opposite him and began to eat, but wasn’t really in the mood for silence- comfortable or otherwise- as his eyes kept being drawn back to the bullet holes that now decorated the walls of their dining room. Though trying to pull Subaru into a conversation of any length was usually an exercise in futility, not knowing what else to say, he simply asked: “What did you do today?” Though he already knew the answer, it was just an attempt to hear the other’s voice.

The faint smile lingered. “Gardening.” He responded evenly, picking at the rice.

The comment was so strange that it took Kamui a moment to realize that he was joking- when he did, he grinned. “Gardening? I feel sorry for the plants, because no one is going to eat them.”

“I’ll give them to the animals.” The smile grew. Kamui shook his head in disbelief- humor was such a rare treat from the onmyouji.

“Animals, in Tokyo? What animals?” Kamui leaned forward to pour tea for the older man. “Ah, you mean rats.”

“Rats need to eat, too.” Subaru took it gratefully. “And birds.”

“Birds? I haven’t seen birds in a long time, at least not around here anyway. A few out near the campus maybe.”

“Small ones. I’ve seen them.” He blew on it lightly, and took a sip while Kamui poured some of his own.

“Huh. I don’t really hear them anymore. No big ones though, definitely. It must be harder for them to survive in the city.” Kamui didn’t really know anything about that, but it was nice to hear Subaru, usually more withdrawn, so talkative.

“Nn.” Subaru replied simply. “It must be.”

Kamui didn’t know what else to say, and the conversation died following that remark, his lover apparently no longer in the mood to talk. His eyes lowered, he picked at the plate listlessly, and Kamui watched him in silence.

The lights were dim, and precious little moonlight filtered in through the balcony to frame Subaru’s face- most of it washed out by the flickering electric light in the entryway they left on most of the time. He was still quite pretty, Kamui thought, his face yet touched by the remnants of what had once been remarkable beauty. But age had lined his green and amber eyes, and his once pale lips were all but invisible. His soft black hair was now dull and shot through with more and more grey each passing year. These things didn’t bother Kamui- he wasn’t so young anymore himself. It was the sickly cast his lover’s complexion had taken on of late, the way his hands, once slender, looked skeletal- like skin stretched over bone. They were shaking now, and Kamui realized he must be cold again. He poured another cup of hot tea and pushed it in the older man’s direction.

He offered to clean up after dinner and it was accepted gratefully; Subaru looked exhausted. Kamui wondered how much of a fight there had been- the damage to the apartment was no way of telling, as the quiet onmyouji was capable of much more subtle magics than his own. He gathered up the plates and kissed him softly on the forehead. “You should sleep.”

While he washed the dishes, Subaru left the table, presumably to take his advice. Kamui didn’t quite feel tired yet- or like facing him- and he pulled a bottle of Kirin out of the fridge instead, prying the cap off with his teeth. When he was younger, Subaru would give him such an admonishing look for that… well, his teeth were still fine, but the victory was somehow hollow when Subaru didn’t bother to notice anymore.

He heard coughing from the bedroom and turned on the television, biting back tears, and drowning them a moment later.

Click.

The channel he usually watched was showing an old drama. A beautiful young woman was being pursued by a desperate lover- or hopeful lover- along the bay, furious at something he had said. He caught her at last and pleaded that she was the only one for him- she gasped and they kissed, the wind whipping her hair gracefully.

The man said that if even if she loved someone else he would always love her, even if she hated him, even if she forgot about him entirely… To which, of course, the woman burst into tears and told him that she had always loved him as well- ever since ‘that day’.

Doubtless one of them would betray the other before this was over, or get cancer, or disappear, or turn out to have died and returned just to speak those words to the other… There were times when Kamui found this kind of trite wickedly entertaining- a shot for each confession of undying love, a gulp for token tragedy, a bottle for a confession of undying love during a moment of token tragedy- but mostly Kamui wondered how bored housewives could stand it. Without alcohol, anyway.

Well, if it was on this late at night, it probably meant their husbands were out fucking the office ladies.

Click.

Shows were also allowed to be a little racy at this hour, which invariably meant that there would be countless channels with programming like this one: a topless ‘schoolgirl’ protesting- not too vehemently, mind you- her boyfriend’s advances in the change room of a ‘high school’ somewhere.

Both actors were, of course, well into their twenties, and the boyfriend was kind of cute, but…

Click.

A young woman with dyed hair and a perky voice that was unmistakably Tokyo stood in front of what looked to have been the pond of a small farming village, and the details at the bottom of the screen told him that it was it northern China. Tanks had flattened most of the buildings and the bodies of the inhabitants had been dragged into the water to spoil it for later use. The reporter was trying to sound grave, but just ended up coming off as more or less disgusted with the whole ordeal- shifting her weight from foot to foot to keep her 100,000 yen shoes from sinking into the mud.

This had only happened a few hours ago, apparently, and they were the first news team to come across this important sign that the North Korean troops had advanced.

Behind her, the torso of a young man with an exit wound the size of Kamui’s fist filled with water and sank unnoticed.

Click.

He was definitely not in the mood for television tonight, he decided. He swirled the remnants of his half-empty bottle idly for a moment, then remembered that Satsuki was supposed to send him the details of his meeting tonight. Besides, it had been at least a few hours since he’d last checked his email- it was time to delete all the junk or his inbox would be overflowing with it in the morning.

In the computer room- some would call it an ‘office’ but neither of them had business to conduct there- he noticed that one of the pictures had been taken off the shelf and dropped on the floor- one of the two of them at an amusement park years ago. He stared down at it.

They were both smiling in that picture: him encouragingly, Subaru with the first signs of the sorrow that would turn into this, him so blithely unaware…

-I’ll make you happy, I promise-

Kamui kicked it into the corner hard enough to break the glass cover. He let it stay there. Subaru never came in here anyway.

Lips curled into a frown, he sat down in his swivel chair and logged on. The background was the logo of a band he’d liked ages ago and hadn’t bothered to change. Sure enough, the message from Satsuki was there as soon as he touched the keys, decrypting on his screen briefly enough for him to read:

1900 666

Seven o’ clock, meet at the chamber she kept Beast’s main systems. It was a simple enough code, but Kamui had made it abundantly clear to her long ago that while numbers translated easily into words for her, for him they blurred much the same as the characters on Subaru’s ofuda- nonsensical scribbles.

ShrineCat is trying to initiate a video conversation. Accept? Deny?

Kamui blinked and clicked ‘accept’. A window opened in the message browser to reveal a tall, short-haired woman hunched over her laptop on the vinyl seats of an airport, a low hum from the voices of the other travelers around her leaked into his speakers along flight announcements in a language he didn’t understand. She was still in uniform, her blue beret tipped forward so she could wear earphones to hear their conversation.

“Yuzuriha? What are you doing on this late? Or is it daytime where you are?”

“It’s nighttime. I’m stopped over in Manila.”

“You’re not on duty?”

“Nope! I’m heading back to Tokyo tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to see you again. It’s been months, hasn’t it?”

“Well you’ve been busy. How are you? How was Indonesia?”

“I’m… well, I’m okay. I’ll tell you more about that when I arrive. Indonesia was hot and angry. Well, the weather and then the people. But I have some gorgeous pictures- I’ll send them to you, if you’d like. What about you, Kamui?”

“I’d love to see them. And I’m the same as ever. Nothing’s really happened since you left. Well, Karen said that she got a few new girls, but you’d have to ask her about that. Drinks at her place tomorrow?”

“Hrm. I was thinking of meeting at the campus first. Nokoru-san’s offered to put me up there while I’m in town, and I think I’ll be too tired to go out tomorrow night. Arashi was on earlier and she said that she and Karen could make it for lunch. What about you? And Subaru-san’s invited too, of course.”

“I think he’s working. And I could come for a few hours- I have something to do later on, though.”

“He’s always working. He should relax sometimes- it would be good for him. And what’s more important than seeing all of us again?”

“I’ll have plenty of time to see you the day after. And I see Karen and Arashi all the time. I just have some shopping to do.”

“Shopping? Mind if I come along?”

“Yes. I mean, it’s not the kind of thing you’d be interested in buying. Boring things. You’d have more fun with them.”

“Fine. Ah! They’re calling my flight number. I’ll talk to you later, Kamui.”

“Night.”

The window disappeared. Kamui couldn’t resist a wry grin at the thought of Yuzuriha coming along with him tomorrow, and all that that would accomplish. As much as there might be some dark humor in it, he wasn’t prepared to kick over that basket of snakes quite yet. Better that they not be involved with it at all. That, and Arashi would probably gut him, and Karen burn him alive, if they knew what he was planning, and who he was dealing with to do it.

It was going to be the hardest thing he’d had to do in a long, long time. And right now he needed a reminder of why he had to.

* * *

With Kamui finally put at ease there was nothing more than Subaru could do but think of sleep. The day had been exhausting, full of questions he could not summon the heart to ask, near the point of overwhelming to his tired body… and for once he regretted not having eaten earlier. It was all he could do now to will his limbs to take him to his side of their bed – Kamui would only worry if he took the couch tonight – and collapse into the worn mattress.

He ached terribly, his muscles unprepared for the extra strain the day had forced on them, and heart hurtling through its motions to compensate. His lungs, burdened as they were, could barely keep up- and for seconds there was little he could do but lay shuddering and gasping while they fought to perform. He grasped at the bedside table, searching for the small, slim package he already knew wouldn’t be there. He desperately wanted a cigarette. He needed a cigarette. It wasn’t long before his body gave in and he began to cough into the pillows, black spots swimming across his vision before it was over and leaving him breathless and feeling as if he wanted to wretch.

Slowly though, with no more energy to expend, his body began to calm itself, and to the onmyouji’s stark relief the vague haziness of sleep began to cloud his senses. He was half aware of the sudden absence of sound from the living room, but too far into unconsciousness to care, until the sensation of hot, sour breath on his cheek – the smell of Kamui’s Kirin – and the press of lips bore into his reverie, tearing him back to reality.

“Subaru…” His lover pressed closer, crawling onto the bed beside him and kissing his forehead and jaw, and… he hesitated, wanting so much to simply lie still, ignore this, pretend not to awaken… But no, it would be no use. Instead he would lay awake to choking sobs that would neither allow him the rest he needed. The bruising press of Kamui’s fingers into his arm as he caught it to jerk Subaru around to face him, anger flaring in those violet eyes. Maybe worse- he let in a long, deliberate breath.

“Hm.” Kamui’s lips brushed his ear.

“I almost thought you were asleep.”

"Almost." He whispered, but did not pull away.

"Sorry." Came the response, but he did not stop, either. The smaller man's lips worked their way down his neck and into his collar, heading right for the spots that Subaru liked the most. He wasn't wasting much time tonight- at least, not as much as he usually did. He looked like he was about to continue, so Subaru cut him off with a kiss.

There was the taste of alcohol that Subaru had grown so accustomed to, and the taste of the other man's saliva in his mouth as he opened it- the wet sound of moist skin moving on skin joining the rustle of clothing as Kamui lifted his shirt warm hands. They pressed into his stomach, but did not reach lower.

Nothing to do but let it go. He was exhausted, aching... but this wouldn't take long, he could rest soon. He reached up with unsteady hands to pull his lover's shirt over his shoulders, teeth grazing his lower lip as they moved down to undo his pants as well. There was no point in drawing it out tonight, if Kamui wasn't going to care afterward.

"Mmm. Kamui..." You don't need to take your time tonight.

He tossed the shirt onto the side of the bed to join Kamui's coat and watch- he must have taken them off before he kissed him, he hadn't noticed- reached down into his underwear to emphasize this point.

But Kamui wasn't so inclined to listen, even though Subaru could already feel him start to harden beneath his touch. The younger man pulled away and crouched down to lift his shirt and run his tongue along his breastbone, caressing his hips a little clumsily- drunk or tired?- now completely out of reach.

With a sigh, Subaru let his hands drop back to the bed- let his eyes slip closed and his head fall back to the pillows. He arched his back into the younger man's touch a little, lulled, falling away into sleep again, when the rough tug of teeth on his nipple tore him back. He winced and made a soft sound of discomfort. Kamui didn't notice.

He turned away before the younger man could continue, though, and caught him up in another kiss. His tongue parted the other's lips more forcefully than he might have usually, and fingers tangled in the other's hair to pull him back up on top of him - pressing their hips together and hooking a trembling leg around the younger man's waist. He has to get the point now... Subaru was getting too tired to keep this up much longer.

The move elicited a soft moan from the other man, and a reflexive thrust of his hips against his own. He quickly stripped off Subaru's shirt as well, and the rest of their clothing followed. He sighed, allowing himself to relax- it wasn't exactly unwelcome, this, a distraction from his thoughts, at least. He grabbed Kamui's hands to keep him from reaching for anything else that might prolong the process.

Kamui might be considerate, but he wasn't going to wait forever. Subaru shivered ever so slightly as the other man thrust inside him. Kamui closed his eyes, and finally he could lie back fully, just let the younger man do what he would. He spread his legs a little wider to give him more access, already breathing hard from the effort he'd just expended. Kamui still wouldn't notice this of course, and Subaru didn't care - thankful that it would be over soon now... soon he could sleep and let the events of the day pass into unconsciousness.

From somewhere beneath the folds of the pile of clothing next to them, the noise of Kamui's phone beginning to ring snapped him hastily out of his moment of relief. God damn it.

Kamui barely seemed to notice, managing to gasp. "Ignore it." into his ear through clenched teeth. His thrusts grew faster, and Subaru could feel his sweat drip onto his chest and into his hair. After so many years, his lover was thankfully good at this, and knew just the pace he liked.

Ring.

Small, warm hands closed over his length, and the other man started to shake.

Ring.

Subaru reached over in irritation and grabbed the phone out from Kamui's coat pocket. To his surprise, it was a number he knew.

Just why he'd be calling Kamui's cell, Subaru didn't know, but - a smile spread over his lips for a moment - he was going to make this interesting for him, in any case.

He pressed a button. Kamui still didn't notice. The connection picked up. He smiled again and tossed the phone on its side so the receiver faced them.

"Aaaah! Nnnhh.. Kamui- ooohhh..." It was a little loud, he knew. He hoped it wouldn't surprise Kamui too much, but Subaru wanted to make sure he could hear this.

If anything, Kamui seemed encouraged by it- he smiled as well, and pressed Subaru back into the matress, biting his neck and pinning his hands behind his head. "Ii naa..." Harder, deeper. It was almost enough to forget the lighter weight on top of him, the higher pitch of the moans of pleasure in his ear...

"Hnnh! AaaAh!" He couldn't hear any noise from Kamui's cell, but tossing his head to the side to press his face into the pillow he caught a glimpse of the LCD - the timer was still running on the conversation. He's still listening... He felt himself getting harder at the thought.

"Nn..god...Kamui!" He wanted it now, didn't care that this was going to leave him sore and tired in the morning- or that he didn't have a cigarette for afterwards. Just a little more... he was going to lose himself.

Kamui kissed him one last, breathless time- nails biting into the skin of Subaru's wrists, shaking with the effort of his final thrusts. He wasn't going to hold back, it seemed, and wanted the other man to know it.

Not that he would have needed to, but for once Subaru wasn't thinking about how much less the weight above him was, how much softer his lover's noises, or the less it took to accommodate him. None of that. All those things for a second, were gone. He felt him push into him once, twice, once more- vaguely heard him say something that might have been him name... knew his body was twisting, moaning into the pillows...and suddenly it was all fireworks of sensation where he didn't have to think of anything.

Then, as quickly as it was there it was gone, and reality was back. Kamui was collapsed on him, breath hot on his neck and coming in the same gasps as his own- and that little weight was almost more than he could bear.

Thankfully, it did not last long. Kamui caught his breath much more quickly than he did, and rolled to the side, opening his eyes at last. Subaru tensed- his face was inches away from the cell phone, and if he answered it... But Kamui kissed his forehead, and murmured something about a shower before he slipped off the bed and stumbled down the hallway.

He waited until he heard the bathroom door shut before he reached over to pick up the cell. It was smaller than his and he had to roll onto his side to fit it to his ear, groaning at the effort.

“Evening.”

"Good evening, Subaru-san." The voice on the other end sounded decidedly nonchalant. "Thank you for that."

He laughed softly at the tone, imagining the other's expression. "Anytime."

"I'm certain." A little innuendo there, perhaps. "Though I am rather curious as to why your phone was off..."

"I was about to sleep." He couldn't help it, he had him bothered and he knew it. "But as you heard, I was interrupted."

"Well, I suppose it could have been worse... I could have had to ask him to speak to you. I'm not entirely sure how that would have gone."

That made Subaru chuckle. "Maybe I should leave my phone off more often. You can find out."

"Yes... quite. Though from the sounds of things he's the silent type- he might not have had much to say to me after all."

"Hm." Subaru paused, energy waning again, and starting to want the conversation to end. "Why did you call?"

"I need to meet with you, soon. Tomorrow if you can. Certain people are making themselves very troublesome, and I have quite a few contracts for you as a result."

"I'll be there." He couldn't keep the tiredness out of his voice any longer- he needed to sleep soon. "The usual time or did you want me earlier?"

"Any time is fine. And I think I should bid you good night, Subaru-san."

"Goodnight." He hung up, placed the phone where it had lay, and in seconds was asleep.


* * *


Rotting black and grey cloaks, discarded carelessly about the liquid floor in scattered heaps; dull, moulding, crumpled feathers; rusted gears and tangled wires; sakura petals browned with age. This was a dream, Kamui knew. Lucid enough to recognize the fact but not enough to change it.

Beyond it all sat Subaru- frail and silent, his eyes like opaque green glass. He was entwined in clinging branches of sakura.

“Subaru?” He whispered, edging his way through the decayed remnants of the past to reach his lover. He grabbed the branches and pulled as hard as he could; to no avail- Subaru was trapped. “Help me.”

The other man said nothing. Instead, he turned to nuzzle a nearby branch and whisper soothing words to it.

Kamui hung his head in defeat, hands resting on the arms of Subaru’s chair.

“I’ve seen this dream before.” He said quietly. “Nothing’s changed.”

You did not fight for change. The dream answered. You fought for constancy. If you wanted change, you should have chosen it.

Kamui shook his head. “You’re wrong. I fought for the people I loved. So they could live. And I failed.”

The fight for life is one a human must lose eventually.

Kamui could not deny the truth of that. Though his waking self would question who answered him in a place like this, his dream self accepted the voice as his own. Instead he slumped down beside Subaru’s chair, ignoring the loving caresses he gave the vines, and gazed out at the wreckage beyond.

“It’s one thing to lose- it’s another give up while the battle’s still going on around you.”

If there is nothing left to fight for- no reason- then why fight at all, save for the sake of the battle itself?

Drive, determination, hope, faith, dreams. Pride, stubbornness, arrogance. Vengeance. Spite. Resilience. Love.

“No reason, I suppose.”

Subaru’s hand brushed his cheek, and his gentle words reached his ears. But they were not for him. Peace, rest, comfort, finality. “No reason to give up, either.”

Nothing begins, nothing ends.

Kamui acquiesced to that as well. Until I cause it to.

He stood, and left. He walked through the darkness until the old things of the past faded away. His thoughts remained, and they echoed around him

He came upon a lake. It was clear, and deep, and calm; but when he stepped to the edge, it was a stranger’s face- not his- reflected in the water. A man he did not recognize. Another joined it, not far away- a child. Then another. And another, until he lost track of all of the faces- now millions in number, tiny, fragmented, and blurring into the black and white static of a dead television screen. The grey light cast an unearthly pallor over his features.

The water grew deeper, lapping at the edges of his shoes, and drowning the darkness in his heart.

* * *

Subaru was gone when he awoke. The drawer beside the bed, the one where he kept his cigarettes, had been pulled open. He was probably standing out on the balcony right now, gazing at the city. The ocean. The bay. Maybe he should go to him, find out what kept him awake at this hour, ask him if his dreams bothered him or if he dreamt at all.

He closed his eyes and tried to sleep again. Kamui had made his decision. There was so much to do in the morning.

Main